Friday, October 12, 2012
Drowning
Some days, I feel like I'm drowning. Lungs squeezed, panic set in, can't see the shore, drowning. Some days, treading water is simply too hard. Too exhausting. Some days, I reject the Life Savior and want to sink, to feel the water slipping over my head. To flounder in distress. To slap the waves and feel the ocean spray and salty sea touch my tongue. Some days drowning seems easier than swimming. Giving up. Relaxing. It's tempting. Some days.
Some days I don't want to hear The Voice of Truth. Don't want to hear that I'm blessed beyond measure. To Count my Blessings and Name them One by One. Don't want to be the Sunday School Teacher. THE Example.
Instead, some days, I count unfairness. Name them One by One. Post-Postpartum Depression. Days of Darkness and Fear. DIVORCE. Brain TUMORS. FIBULAR HEMIMELIA. Financial Bondage. Essays to Grade, Essays to Grade, Essays to GRADE.
I swim in this sea instead and cling to floating debris. Pieces of arguments. Words of DISCOURAGEMENT. Surgery number 3. No more babies can be birthed. Type A personality. Fear, always fear.
And I wonder, did HE do this. Did He sit in this sea. And I remember that HIS tears were as drops of blood and HE knows this water. Knows the taste of this OCEAN of DESPAIR. Yet, HE broke the BREAD and gave THANKS and got UP from the GARDEN and OPENED the palm for the N A I L S.
So, I follow. RELUCTANTLY. But HE is so COMPELLING.
And I go to the GARDEN and fall on the KNEE and RISE to accept the PLAN. AND feel the pain of guilt, the failure to look, the failure to float, to TRUST, to GIVE THANKS in A L L T H I N G S. The failure to see me HIDDEN in Him. To ACKNOWLEDGE that all things come THROUGH HIM first before they REACH me. And in the THROUGH HIM--
a l l t h i n g s become BLESSED AND GOOD. And bring HIM GLORY.
And the SEA begins to form anew. And the ashes BECOME beauty.
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THIS brought Him glory. Reads just like a Psalm, friend. Beautiful. Praying that tomorrow is a new day full of hope and strength, and no fear.
ReplyDeleteHe is good ALWAYS, and I fail, but there's GRACE enough for Me and For You!
ReplyDeleteVery beautiful, Sindy. He knows that we get so tired sometimes. He knows the hearts that long for Him, and He realizes sometimes we just let the burden carry us instead of carrying it. I have learned that in those moments He and His wonderful grace picks me up and walks me through the fire. "The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations" (2 Peter 2:9 KJV). I am so thankful that His promises stand true!
ReplyDeleteJoy
It's so amazing that this came to me today. I don't know how I didn't see it before, but I just posted about something so similar just a while ago. When I posted, I noticed on my screen that you had a new entry and clicked on it. I understand the feeling, sister, and I'll pray for you, and you pray for me. Let's remind each other that His eye is on even the sparrow...
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